A Full Heart

I'm standing at the television with my laptop propped open, staring out our living room window as the snow falls wet and heavy; swaying gently with a sleeping baby on my chest. Joni Mitchell appears on my musical rotation. Which is entirely fitting. I really don't know life at all.

In some ways this life, my life, still seems like a dream.

A last-minute sickness is keeping us home this Thanksgiving. So it will just be three of us. Three little bears hibernating with a small semblance of a turkey dinner. Maybe ordering pizza the next night, watching White Christmas and lots of rest.

When I remember past holiday seasons (as an adult) what I remember most vividly is a deep ache and usually at least one meltdown. Five years ago this life didn't exist. I could not fathom that I would get what I so deeply wanted. That life could be different. And then, it's like I snapped my fingers and here we are. A husband. A home. A baby. That's not to minimize the heartache others currently experience or the hopes others have but have not yet attained. And so often I resist celebrating these rich moments because I'm afraid. Afraid I'll offend someone or afraid that it will all vanish as quickly as it seemed to materialize. I suppose it could. But that unraveling is for another day.

Today, on this wintry Thanksgiving Eve, I look at where I've been and where I am now and my heart bursts in gratitude. Grateful for the slow work of God. Grateful I'm in this place. Grateful I've made the choices I have. Grateful to be learning and growing in new ways every day. I'm working hard to stay focused on the present and really savor this moment. Thanksgiving is less about the food and more about those we surround ourselves with. The connections and love we share with one another and how much richer life is because of our relationships. After years of resistance, and feeling as Anne Lamott puts it I have spent so much of my life with secret Swiss-cheese insides, I'm finally coming to understand both the abundance of love that exists for me and the abundance of love that is mine to give.

Special thanks to Alexis for taking these pictures.

35 Things I'm Thankful For | Part 2

1. my firstborn
2. postcards
3. wood floors
4. a romantic husband
5. proximity to numerous parks
6. baby carrying
7. virtual book club gals
8. wood burning fireplace
9. little giggles
10. pie
11. board books
12. walking to trader joe's
13. dishwasher
14. unexpected packages
15. clean air ducts
16. swimming
17. gym friends
18. taquitos, beans, and rice (i.e, my birthday dinner)
19. natural light
20. supermarket flowers
21. health insurance
22. essential oils
23. meal planning
24. house plants
25. happy eyes
26. free museums
27. facetime
28. a clean, but lived-in house
29. forgiveness
30. impromptu photo sessions
31. sharing a new tv series with ken
32. scented candles
33. floss
34. snuggles
35. king bed

See my first list here. 

Currently | 11.14.2014

READING: This delightful children's book based on a true story. This dead-on article. And this book.

WATCHING: More like pining to watch so many movies. I have a goal to get to the theatre by myself before the end of the year. Mainly to catch this film.

EATING: Belgium chocolate. Such a special treat. Oh, and millet muffins—weekly batches because they're so addicting.

MAKING: Christmas care packages. And planning to make everything from this darling book.

ENJOYING: Watching eyes sparkle when new family members meet Amelia for the first time. Makes my mama heart burst.

SPLURGING: On gifts for new parents. Babies everywhere! Now that I'm a parent I have an entirely new arsenal of what to give at a baby shower.

REMEMBERING: Hearing Billy Collins at a reading a couple weekends ago. He joked that the sold-out audience created a poetry traffic jam into the library parking lot. True story. He ended his entertaining reading with one of my favorite selections.

EXCITED FOR: Christmas music on the turntable. Buying a live Christmas tree. And spending Amelia's first Christmas in our cozy little home.